What is Missing VS What is There

On the road to self-improvement, we often focus on what is missing in our lives. “If I could just get my anxiety under control, I would be happy” “I wish I had more money, it would solve just about everything”…etc. While there is merit to these thoughts, as they point at what we would like to change in ourselves or in our worlds, they are also not necessarily all that helpful. The reason that focusing on what is lacking does not lead us to fill the void or make changes is 1) this language can be discouraging and 2) it is abstract and does not tell us exactly how to achieve our goals. How can we best motivate ourselves on the challenging road of self-improvement, while setting ourselves up for success? Let’s start by shifting our focus from what is missing, to what is there.  Here are some tools to help you do this:

1-    Change your language from what is not, to what is. This can work in two ways.

a.     Shift the focus from how our imperfections harm us, to how they serve us. For example: my anxiety may bring me unwanted stress at times, but it also serves a healthy purpose at other times. For instance, sometimes my anxiety helps me plan important events, or be cautious in dangerous situations.  (*Note: this is not to minimize the harmful anxiety, but to help us see that it is not “all bad, all the time,” which can often bring a sense of relief or be refreshing).

b.     Shift the focus from what you do not like about yourself to what you do. For example, I may not like my anxiety, but I love my sense of creativity. Pick something you like about yourself, and consciously spend more time thinking about it. If you spend half as much time as you do thinking about what you do not like, and replace it with what you do, your entire inner landscape will shift.

2-    Get clear on what you do want, not what you do not want: This can work for your relationship with yourself and with others:

a.     Relationship with others: It is common to be very clear on what we do not want from others, but a little fuzzier on what we do. For example, we know we do not want to be yelled at, and can communicate this quite clearly: “don’t yell at me!” However, in so doing, we do not make clear requests around what we actually do want: “please speak to me calmly.” This may sound like the same thing, but psychologically, we have a way easier time taking in clear action-based language than we do negative language around what not to do (which sounds more like criticism).

b.     Relationship with self: If I know I do not want to be anxious, then what do I want to be in its place? Calm, assertive, confident, courageous, mellow… There are many things that can replace the lack of anxiety, and spending more time thinking about what you do what to see changed, as opposed to what you do not want to be there, is a healthier and more fruitful way to get there.  

Submitted by Naomi Adams, December 2014

Graduate Intern at Shanti Counselling Centre