Sitting in discomfort

As children, our feelings and behaviors are simple and adaptive: we feel something, our emotions tell us what we need and then we act. For example, when a baby is hungry, it is uncomfortable, and it will adaptively cry so that his caregiver can come soothe it. As adults, social norms and learned ways of thinking often get in the way of this natural process, whereby we skip allowing ourselves to truly feel what we feel and therefore miss the valuable lesson that our emotions are trying to tell us. We then feel stuck and lost around how to act, because we are out of touch with our emotions and our needs. The proposition I want to make in this blog entry is to bravely sit in uncomfortable emotions long enough to understand what your emotions are trying to tell you so that you can reconnect with your human instincts and find more peace with yourself.

We live in a society that has constructed the idea of “good” emotions and “bad” emotions. We constantly want to feel the “good”- happiness, confidence, love, strength… and avoid the “bad”- sadness, fear, uncertainty, pain etc. While there is nothing wrong with wanting comfort, like a crying baby seeking relief, problems begin when we reject negative emotions from our lived experience all-together. There is a big difference between a baby being scared and crying out for help, than a baby convincing itself that it is not scared. The latter sounds quite silly, and yet adults do this all the time. “I don’t get scared” or “I’m not sad, that’s weak” when in reality, so many of us have become so frightened of having “bad” feelings that we begin to completely reject them from our conscious awareness. However, when we lose touch with scary or painful emotions, or stuff them down in dark corners of our bodies where we cannot access them, we disown valid parts of ourselves that are in fact natural and healthy. This can cause a number of compounding issues both internally and relationally that can be far worse than acknowledging the negative emotion to begin with.

Why do we do this? Not only does society project the idea that we should always be happy, but fears of feeling “negative” emotion could have developed for very valid reasons of self-protection in childhood, or during key events in adulthood that taught you that having/expressing certain emotions wasn’t safe. Even when we can admit from an intellectual level that something was scary or sad, letting yourself actually feel “bad” emotions in one’s body can feel extremely threatening and vulnerable. So threatening in fact, that the body can respond in flight or fight: move away from it and distract, or become angry and defensive. It is so valid that letting yourself risk accessing those dark corners can be terrifying, but what if I were to ask you, just for one day, or even half a day, to resist the impulse to move away from emotional discomfort. What would that look like? Could you sit in a negative emotion like fear or sadness? What do you think might happen?

            Although it may sound like a big or perhaps nonsensical request that you allow yourself to sit in some discomfort for a little while, here is why I am prosing it: when you let yourself fully feel an emotion, it tends to lose its charge after a short while. Actually, resisting feeling the emotion is what makes it get worse. It is when they are stuffed down or ignored that they begin to get louder and louder, causing distress, pathologies and even disease. If you let your emotions have a little air, even though it may feel “bad,” you may surprised at much strength can come with being able to access your vulnerability, your humanity. The baby allows itself to feel whatever it feels, and so can you.

Submitted by Naomi Adams, October, 2014

Graduate Intern at Shanti Counselling Centre