The Gift of Listening

On a scale form 1-10, how good would you say you are at listening?

But hold the phone, I guess the answer to this question would also depend on your idea of what listening really means… 

What does listening NOT look like?

Interrupting, waiting for your turn to talk, “half listening” through nods and “uh huhs,” the whole “yes, but” approach…

Sound familiar?

We often think we are listening to the other person but in fact we are not. While this may be perfectly acceptable in various contexts, but how do you think this plays out in an intimate relationship when conflict arises?

Two words: Not well.

Here are some guidelines and tools for active listening to use conflict arises with your loved one to help turn down the dial on escalation.

GUIDELINE #1:  the focus of listening is to track the thoughts, emotions, and desires of the speaker.  When we’re listening, it’s our time to pay attention rather than presenting and/or offering our own thoughts.  The stance is curiosity about what the speaker is saying… kind of like being a detective of the mind.

GUIDELINE #2: No interrupting.  Each person eventually gets their turn to speak so there isn’t really a need to interrupt with your own thoughts.  Be patient and remember that your partner will eventually give you your turn.

GUIDELINE #3: Listening to your partner, checking if you understood them, and inviting in more of their input, does NOT mean you have to agree with what their saying. Listening helps the other feel heard and better understood, which makes them feel calmed, so once you listen fully, you will be in a far better position to share you thoughts and be listened to in return!

These ideas may not be new or earth-shattering but as we typically know more than we practice, I am here to challenge you to put these guidelines to the test. Be curious about what your partner has to say, check to make sure you understood, empathize with their feelings all before giving your own input. You will get to speak as well, so first give your partner the gift of listening. 

Submitted by Naomi Adams, February 2015

Graduate Intern at Shanti Counselling Centre