Most people care, to some extent, what
other people think of them. We care how we come across to others, and we care
how others treat us. We are social beings and contrary to society’s obsession
with unshakeable independence, there is nothing wrong with this in the least.
Because we care what others think, the idea I want to propose may be a little
unsettling: we have no control over how
other people think of us or react to us.
As children, when our rational brains
are still developing, we often make the mistake of interpreting events as
directly related to us. For example, we see mom and dad arguing, and on a
conscious or unconscious level, we assume that it is somehow our fault or
related to something we said or did. As adults, we develop the skill to think
contextually, and see that in fact, mom and dad’s arguing was likely not really
to do with us at all. However, the perspectives we develop and lessons we learn
at young impressionable ages tend to stick around even after our brains mature
and we become able to think our way out of negative feelings.
Do you ever catch yourself thinking
something like this: “if I only said this, then he wouldn’t have got so mad” or
“if I really tried, she wouldn’t be so disappointed.” These are thoughts that
operate on the assumption that you are responsible for someone else’s emotions.
While you may influence how people respond to a certain extent, 1) it is impossible
to know exactly how the other will react, and 2) the only people responsible
for their reactions (thoughts, feelings, and actions) is themselves. This is
especially important to truly consider and appreciate, if you tend to be
someone who has a harsh inner critic and who self-blames.
As an exercise in this new, or perhaps
familiar lesson, I challenge you to build your awareness around when you
mistakenly hold yourself responsible for other people’s actions and reactions
in the following way:
1)
Catch yourself – look for those automatic thoughts that have a
self-critical tone or a feeling of guilt or responsibility for someone else’s
actions
2)
Track your self-blaming thoughts - write them down
3)
Reframe - next to each thought, question your thought, and come up with
an alternate response that reflects the sentiment “I am not responsible for
other people’s behaviors; I am human and can only control my own actions”
4)
Track how this makes you feel – It may feel unsettling at first, as you
may be very used to talking to yourself in a critical tone. If you write a
positive reframe and another critical message pops up (e.g. “ya right, you know
you could have done a better job and prevented this whole mess”) then work with
that new thought and repeat until you find a thought that you can tolerate and
believe (you may have to do this many times!)
The purpose of using this tool is to
help you bring awareness to some self-limiting thoughts that are common to so
many people. We are social creatures and care for others and what they
think/feel/do, but we simply cannot, as much as we try or convince ourselves,
control other people.
Submitted by Naomi Adams, November 2014
Graduate Intern at Shanti Counselling Centre
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