Witnessing

What does it mean to witness? Often when we consider this word, what comes to mind is the negative action of watching a crime occur, or being in the presence of someone who is engaging in an undesirable activity. We are witnesses to crime, we are witnesses to trauma, we are witnesses to danger; but what else? For a narrative therapy standpoint, witnessing has a great deal to do with moving forward. When we do not have witnesses in our lives, it can often feel as though we are completely alone in our struggles. As a counsellor, my role is to witness the lives of my clients in a manner which is non-judgemental, positive, and above all empathetic.

            Within the therapy context, witnessing places a great deal of control back into the hands of the client, as they are invited to share their story in a safe, comfortable environment. Witnessing is a form of active listening, as the witness attends, follows, and offers feedback to the speaker. The witness is curious, without adding their own interpretation to the speakers content. This is an empowering concept for those clients whom have never had to chance, or the space, to share their thoughts and experiences. It can also be an overwhelming experience, as the client recounts those instances in their lives where a witness was not present to offer empathy. When I witness my clients, my intention is not only to gain knowledge of their story, but become their teammate. We are teammates moving forward, and equal moving forward. Through witnessing, I encourage my clients to recognize that they are the expert in the counselling room- they know their story, and they know why they have entered into the counselling relationship. Witnessing is a crucial aspect of my work as a counsellor, but also my work as an active member of society. Without witnesses, acts of oppression are often not reported, and therefore go unheard. I would encourage all of you to consider this definition of witnessing, and apply it to your relationships with loves ones, and with society as a whole.

Submitted by Annelie Nilsson, March 2015

Graduate Intern at Shanti Counselling Centre

Losing a Pet

Whether or not you have had a pet, it is evident that in our culture, pets play an important part in our lives and families. Often referred to as a sibling or child, we attach to our pets, just as we attach to our own flesh and blood. Merit must be paid to the reality of pet loss and the very real grief that occurs therein.

To understand the impact of animal grief, we must acknowledge the unique human-animal bond. Most often, our bond with animals is based on genuine and consistent unconditional love and acceptance.  Although we often place more merit on human connection, this kind of pure love is often hard to get with people. Pets are thus particularly valuable when we are physically or psychologically distanced from safe and healthy attachments with people. In fact, the definition of an attachment relationship is one that fulfills needs of safety and security, and thus animals most certainly can fill this niche.

Losing a pet can be devastating, particularly on families (different grieving styles, decisions about euthanizing…), children (not understanding, first encounters with death…), and the elderly (who can often rely on animals as a main source of social contact, purpose, and joy). And yet we tend to minimize pet loss as a society, leaving people feeling alone and blocked off from a healthy and natural grieving process. This is not ok, and below I offer some reminders to use for yourself of to guide your interactions with others who are grieving, in order to help break the silence, enabling an encouraging people to properly grieve their beloved pets: 

1-    Acknowledge and validate that the loss is extremely important

2-    Encourage yourself/others to talk about your pet, the circumstances of the loss, and emotions related to the loss

3-    Give yourself/others permission to grieve: it is natural and necessary

4-    Enlist the support of others in general (don’t isolate- many people can relate and help share in your pain)

5-    Seek support regarding challenging decisions (e.g. to cremate or bury the pet, to get a new pet…etc.)

6-    Read self-help books

7-    Look into pet-loss support groups in your neighborhood

8-    Seek counseling

It is natural and healthy to feel deeply saddened by the loss of a valued pet, so offer yourself the gift of allowing yourself to grieve it fully.

Submitted by Naomi Adams, March 2015

Graduate Intern at Shanti Counselling Centre

The Gift of Listening

On a scale form 1-10, how good would you say you are at listening?

But hold the phone, I guess the answer to this question would also depend on your idea of what listening really means… 

What does listening NOT look like?

Interrupting, waiting for your turn to talk, “half listening” through nods and “uh huhs,” the whole “yes, but” approach…

Sound familiar?

We often think we are listening to the other person but in fact we are not. While this may be perfectly acceptable in various contexts, but how do you think this plays out in an intimate relationship when conflict arises?

Two words: Not well.

Here are some guidelines and tools for active listening to use conflict arises with your loved one to help turn down the dial on escalation.

GUIDELINE #1:  the focus of listening is to track the thoughts, emotions, and desires of the speaker.  When we’re listening, it’s our time to pay attention rather than presenting and/or offering our own thoughts.  The stance is curiosity about what the speaker is saying… kind of like being a detective of the mind.

GUIDELINE #2: No interrupting.  Each person eventually gets their turn to speak so there isn’t really a need to interrupt with your own thoughts.  Be patient and remember that your partner will eventually give you your turn.

GUIDELINE #3: Listening to your partner, checking if you understood them, and inviting in more of their input, does NOT mean you have to agree with what their saying. Listening helps the other feel heard and better understood, which makes them feel calmed, so once you listen fully, you will be in a far better position to share you thoughts and be listened to in return!

These ideas may not be new or earth-shattering but as we typically know more than we practice, I am here to challenge you to put these guidelines to the test. Be curious about what your partner has to say, check to make sure you understood, empathize with their feelings all before giving your own input. You will get to speak as well, so first give your partner the gift of listening. 

Submitted by Naomi Adams, February 2015

Graduate Intern at Shanti Counselling Centre  

Working with Frustration: Calming Your Body

You wake up after a bad night’s sleep, and you see there is a voicemail on your answering machine. It is your boss, explaining how the work you spent all of your Saturday doing was not “up to par” and you needed to redo it by the next day. He did not give you feedback about your work, not to mention any recognition for your hours spent trying to do your best. How do you feel?

Most likely, your gut reaction is frustration. How could he!? Doesn’t he have any respect? Your work was a useful contribution! All too often we get stuck in this zone of frustration, sitting in the bitterness, and acting reactively as opposed to constructively (e.g. drafting emails that you know will likely later regret, reviewing all the “coulda, woulda shouldas”… ) You may even realize that you need to cool off before plunging into the impending deadline but decide to plug on through because time is of the essence and you want this frustration to pass ASAP.

I want to offer a key step in this sequence of events that we all too often forget: calming your physiology.

When you are frustrated or flooded with emotions in general, your body enters “fight or flight” mode.  What this means is that you are actually in a different area of brain that makes it impossible to engage your frontal cortex, the area that is responsible for all reason and rational thought.  Therefore spending energy trying to be reasonable in this scenario is futile, that is, unless you calm you body down first. By calming your body, you exit “fight or flight” mode and are able to access your more rational side. Concentrating on calming your system before trying to problem solve, will put you in a far better place to actually address the problem and save more time down the road.

But, you ask, how can we calm our bodies down when we are so frustrated?? There are many methods we can do this and some common ones include: deep concentrated breathing, counting out loud, doing something physical like going for a walk or run, asking a friend or partner for a hug…anything that soothes your body. This sounds so simple, and yet all too often we rush into action planning that requires complex thought processing in order to “fix” the source of frustration.

I challenge you to come up with some creative ways that you can calm your body down when you notice yourself feeling flooded, frustrated, or flustered. Do so when you are calm so you can access the full potential of your brilliant frontal cortex! And when challenges come up, as they always do, practice practice practice your tools. Once your body is calm, you will be amazed at how much better you can cope with challenges. 

Submitted by Naomi Adams, January 2015

Graduate Intern at Shanti Counselling Centre 

What is Missing VS What is There

On the road to self-improvement, we often focus on what is missing in our lives. “If I could just get my anxiety under control, I would be happy” “I wish I had more money, it would solve just about everything”…etc. While there is merit to these thoughts, as they point at what we would like to change in ourselves or in our worlds, they are also not necessarily all that helpful. The reason that focusing on what is lacking does not lead us to fill the void or make changes is 1) this language can be discouraging and 2) it is abstract and does not tell us exactly how to achieve our goals. How can we best motivate ourselves on the challenging road of self-improvement, while setting ourselves up for success? Let’s start by shifting our focus from what is missing, to what is there.  Here are some tools to help you do this:

1-    Change your language from what is not, to what is. This can work in two ways.

a.     Shift the focus from how our imperfections harm us, to how they serve us. For example: my anxiety may bring me unwanted stress at times, but it also serves a healthy purpose at other times. For instance, sometimes my anxiety helps me plan important events, or be cautious in dangerous situations.  (*Note: this is not to minimize the harmful anxiety, but to help us see that it is not “all bad, all the time,” which can often bring a sense of relief or be refreshing).

b.     Shift the focus from what you do not like about yourself to what you do. For example, I may not like my anxiety, but I love my sense of creativity. Pick something you like about yourself, and consciously spend more time thinking about it. If you spend half as much time as you do thinking about what you do not like, and replace it with what you do, your entire inner landscape will shift.

2-    Get clear on what you do want, not what you do not want: This can work for your relationship with yourself and with others:

a.     Relationship with others: It is common to be very clear on what we do not want from others, but a little fuzzier on what we do. For example, we know we do not want to be yelled at, and can communicate this quite clearly: “don’t yell at me!” However, in so doing, we do not make clear requests around what we actually do want: “please speak to me calmly.” This may sound like the same thing, but psychologically, we have a way easier time taking in clear action-based language than we do negative language around what not to do (which sounds more like criticism).

b.     Relationship with self: If I know I do not want to be anxious, then what do I want to be in its place? Calm, assertive, confident, courageous, mellow… There are many things that can replace the lack of anxiety, and spending more time thinking about what you do what to see changed, as opposed to what you do not want to be there, is a healthier and more fruitful way to get there.  

Submitted by Naomi Adams, December 2014

Graduate Intern at Shanti Counselling Centre