Life Lessons From My Dog

In the last number of months, I’ve noticed myself running through my life, feeling busier and often more frantic than I ever have before. There have been many days lately that, as I’m working away on my computer or racing around getting ready for a long day of meetings, or classes, I have found myself longingly looking at my dog, and noticing how relaxed and perfectly content she looks. It’ll stop me dead in my tracks as I look at her with envy, lying on her bed and sleeping restfully. Because my flurry of activity will have abruptly stopped for me to look at her, she’ll wake up, gaze up at me lovingly to see what it is I want, and when I say nothing, she’ll put her head back down and gently close her eyes again. I will be left standing there, noticing how wonderful her life seems. I will shake my head and acknowledge to myself that it must be time for a vacation. And on I will run, through the day.

But these brief encounters with my dog have been happening more and more frequently lately and it’s got me thinking. What is it about her that is jarring me out of my flurry of mental activity for those brief moments? And what in the world do I have to be envious of in my dog? Here’s what I’ve come up with…

1) My dog absolutely loves her life and she expresses her love for it with abandon. I guess I have to admit that I have reached that certain point with obligations, responsibilities, and work, where my love for my life has begun to erode. And I can’t seem to walk past my dog anymore without noticing the stark contrast between my dog’s enthusiasm for life and my lack of it.

2) My dog loves her people, and everyone is her people. She is so happy to see each and every human being who walks through our front door and welcomes them like they are just the person she was hoping would come over. And she is delightedly engaged with anyone who will talk to her or pet her. You know, when I am busy, like I am right now, the last thing I want are people coming through my front door or phoning to shoot the breeze. Not nice.

3) My dog always gets her needs met. When she is tired, she just lays down and gets herself a little nap. And when she’s done, she wakes up and has a big old stretch that you just know feels good. When she’s thirsty, she finds water wherever she can get it (and I mean, wherever she can get it) and quenches her thirst until it’s gone. Sleep, stretching, sustenance…ah, these things seem so far away when I am over-the-top busy.

4) My dog doesn’t just enjoy going for walks, she lives for going for walks. The leisure, the exercise, the fresh air, the socializing with other dogs, the romping, the exploration of the same old ‘hood like she’s never seen it before, the claiming of territory (aka peeing on every tree and post) - these things give her meaning in life. I sometimes find myself questioning, why am I doing all this again? Where did the joy go?

I guess I have to admit that I am too busy. There. I’ve done it. I want what my dog has; a love for life, a desire to connect with people, the ability to get my needs met, and a joyful sense of purpose in life. And now that I’ve said this, I can make it happen. I am going to pluck out of my schedule what doesn’t need to be there, I am going to delegate a whole lot more, I am going to give my time to my friends and family (not to Youtube!), I am going to do again those things that make my spirit sing and give meaning to my life like gardening, running, reading novels. Thanks, Tilly, you’re a good dog!


Written by Devony Baugh
Graduate Intern at The Shanti Counselling Centre

Four-Step Priority Plan for Parents

Recently, someone sent me one of those annoying group emails, a “Four-Step Priority Plan for Mothers.” Having a couple kids myself, and often feeling like a chicken with my head cut off, I was somewhat intrigued. That is, until I saw who wrote it -- Dr. Phil. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes find him pat, insensitive, and/or completely predictable. I reluctantly perused the advice in the email, and much to my surprise, I really found the article to be helpful. If you are a parent (this stuff doesn’t just apply to moms) maybe you’ll find it interesting too. Here is his advice, modified a bit to accommodate all parents:

Four-Step Priority Plan for Parents

1. Get over the guilt

- Don’t feel guilty for taking time for yourself. It’s not selfish to make yourself a priority.
- Redefine what it means to be a “good mother,” or a “good father,” or a “good aunt, uncle,
caretaker, step-parent, guardian, foster-parent...” Instead of using society’s definition, create
your own measure of success as a parent/step-parent/guardian.
- A good parent/step-parent/guardian is not one who only sacrifices; a good parent/step-
parent/guardian is also able to give of herself or himself. If you don’t have passion and
happiness in your own life, you can’t give it to your children.
- Give yourself permission to be more than half of a couple, more than “just” a mom or dad
or...

2. Make yourself a priority.

- Don’t confuse the quality and quantity of your time. They simply aren’t the same things.
Focus on the impact that your time does have, and give yourself the same attention you’d give
someone else you love.
- Don’t do everything for your children. They are able to do some tasks on their own. Take the
time to teach them how to do things for themselves.
- Learn the art of saying no, the ability to delegate and the capacity to accept help without
feeling guilty.

3. Discover your passions.

- Find something that you love to do. What gives you a sense of pride, accomplishment or
enjoyment?
- Think back to when you last felt this sort of passion. Now, ask yourself: “What would it take
to put that feeling back into my life? What can I do to recreate that feeling now?”
- When you’ve found your passion, make time for it in your regular schedule. Don’t allow
yourself to treat this “me time” as an option. It should be as important as anything else.


4. Gain the support of your family.

- This isn’t always easy, but it can be done. Let your family know how and why you need to do
things for yourself - so you can be a better parent/step-parent/guardian and ultimately, a
better person.
- Compromise with your family. Help them to understand that while things may change, you
won’t be abandoning them.



Written by Devony Baugh
Graduate Intern at The Shanti Counselling Centre

Good Luck? Bad Luck?

There is a Chinese story of a farmer who used an old horse to till his fields. One day, the horse escaped into the hills and when the farmer's neighbors sympathized with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?" A week later, the horse returned with a herd of horses from the hills and this time the neighbors congratulated the farmer on his good luck. His reply was, "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?"

Then, when the farmer's son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone thought this was very bad luck. Not the farmer, whose only reaction was, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?"

Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. When they saw the farmer's son with his broken leg, they let him off. Now was that good luck or bad luck?

Who knows?
The truth is that that are many situations in our lives that we can never really know the “truth.” How are we to know that we may have missed getting into a car accident because we hit every red light on the way to work… or that the person who broke our heart taught us exactly what we will need to know to be enormously happy with our next love? In those moments when life seems to be throwing its worst at us, sometimes it is less about truth and more about choice. We always can choose the truth we want to believe. So next time it seems like you are on a run of bad luck maybe ask yourself – I wonder what good may come out of this? Down the road the things you would call bad luck today, could become the very same things you are grateful for.

By Constance Hummel
Graduate Intern at The Shanti Counselling Centre

Self-Acceptance, the Radical (New Year's) Resolution

January is often the time of year when people make decisions to change the things that they don't like about themselves. It tends to come in the form of a New Year's resolution. We probably don't need to look very hard or very long to notice the things we don't like about ourselves or our lives. For some of us, in an instant we could say about ourselves, "I'm too fat, I look old, I don't exercise enough, I hate my nose, I wish my hair were fuller, god, my gut hangs out, I hate my clothes..." For some of us the list of things we are discontent about ourselves could go on and on and on. And very often, it's in January that we ritualistically make the resolution to change those things we hate the most. Sometimes the resolution can prompt real, profound, life-long, positive change in people and that is wonderful. Sometimes, however, the resolution is a mere temporary bandaid to try to fix something about ourselves that can be resolved only with a brand new inner view of ourselves.
This is my radical new idea. Let's stop for a moment and examine what is so damaging about all those things we hate the most about ourselves. For me, it would be my thighs - fat and jiggly, and so embarrassing to expose in a bathing suit. I could resolve to loose 50 pounds, start a weight loss program, join the gym and attack my hateful thighs. I could do that, but deep down, I wonder if there's any external action I could realistically take to truly like my thighs. If I'm being honest I can see myself becoming a size 6 and still hating my thighs. I want to do something completely different this year. I want to shift my discontent on it's head, and find the things that are actually wonderful about my thighs. I want to not only stop hating my thighs, but actually like them, appreciate them, accept them. I want to become re-acquainted with my thighs and make them my friend (and I'm not trying to be silly here). I truly want to be at peace with myself, with every bit of me.
This is what I propose for myself and everyone who wants to give up the hate. Imagine what it would feel like to stop hating parts of yourself. Really think about how freeing that would feel. Slowly and gently examine one thing that you hate with a non-critical eye and see the wonder in it; see what is marvelously acceptable about this hateful part of you. My thighs, for example, hold my body upright when I stand. They are strong and profoundly helpful. They work hard for me. I would mourn the loss of them if I didn't have them or if they couldn't work for some reason. When I start thinking along these lines, I can actually be grateful for them, appreciative of them and accept them because I see how important they are to me and how much they benefit my life.
It will not feel natural to make such a shift for those of us who have hated a part of ourselves for years. And advertisers will be sure to remind us regularly that we really should not be content with the way things are. But I encourage you and me both, to hold on to the acceptance, the appreciation for ourselves the way we are. Contrary to their message, I'm here to boldly say, you are sufficient and you are innately valuable... and so is your nose, your body, your gut, my thighs...

The You-are-Acceptable Count Down

1. Ask yourself, "Am I willing to consider giving up hating my____(self, weight, hair, nose, thighs)?"
2. If you are, find some time to quietly spend with yourself to think or journal about the following.
3. Gently, not scornfully, notice what you've been hating about yourself. Name it. Name as many parts of yourself that you've been hating as you feel you can handle. You can always go back to the beginning and start with a different part when you're ready.
4. Imagine this hate not existing for this part of you any longer. What would that be like?
5. Now gently and curiously examine what is wonderful, helpful, necessary, funny, delightful, and positive about this part. If the old hateful feelings and language come creeping in, just remind them, they've already had plenty of air time in your life, they can go away now because now it's time to hear the positives.
6. Relish these positives and let them sink in. Notice how true it is that these parts of you really do have a wonderful side.
7. Notice what you're feeling. Is it gratitude? appreciation? relief? joy? value? Marvel at these feelings because they may be quite foreign in regard to this part of you.
8. Decide on an approach you'll take when the old, negative, hateful feelings or thoughts want to creep back in. What will you say to yourself when you hear or see an ad that is telling you that you should not feel so content? Perhaps something like, "You (thought or feeling) may want me to feel awful about this part of me, but actually, I've notice how wonderful, how helpful, how needed that part of me is. And you can stop reminding me now of how I used to hate it."
9. Ground yourself regularly with mindfulness, meditation, journalling, prayer, or all of the above to soak yourself again in the acceptability of your whole self.
10. Believe and say to yourself that you are innately valuable, because it is true.


by Devonay Baugh
Graduate Intern at The Shanti Counelling Centre

How is Your Stress Inventory?

We all know that too much stress is a bad thing. It adversely impacts our relationships, our wake-sleep cycle, our eating patterns, our immune systems, our memory, it reduces our tolerance for frustration, increases our blood pressure and cortisol levels, decreases our sex drive… and on and on.

I don’t know about you, but I have found there have been times in my life when my stress level has snuck up on me, taking me completely by surprise. Before I knew it, I would be having a full-blown melt down over the lovely person driving 10 km below the speed limit, in front of me. In these moments of derailment, I have been genuinely shocked at just how stressed out I was, and yet didn’t know it. “How in the world did I get here?,” I would wonder. What is the big deal here?

I’d take stock of my life and notice, oh yeah, I have been working kind of hard lately, and, look at my hands, there’s that rash I get only when I’m exhausted and stressed out. My point is, if I had only been paying attention a lot earlier, I would have noticed the signs telling me to slow down, that I’ve taken on too much, that I’m getting stressed out.

My question for you is: what are your signs of stress? How does your body tell you that you’ve tipped the balance between healthy and adverse stress levels? Do you develop cold sores? Do you wake up before your alarm? Do you wake in the middle of the night? Are you skipping your meditation, your yoga, your exercise routines? Do your kids, partner, co-workers, irritate you a little more than usual? Do you have a little rash forming on your hands? Have you stopped eating? Have you started eating way more than you need? Is your stomach cramping up more and more? Does everyone around you seem like they are walking or driving too slowly?

Notice. Look at your life gently. How are you, really? If you’re great, well done! If you’re raging through you’re life, carefully notice it now. You can be in the Driver’s Seat re: what can be done about it. As for me, I’m paying attention to that little rash on my hand.


by Devony Baugh
Graduate Intern at The Shanti Counselling Centre