Wheel of Balance

Change.

This simple word triggers many far-from-simple feelings inside most of us. There are often so many things we would like to see changed in our lives, (be it psychologically, emotionally, physically…), that it can be overwhelming and confusing to try and focus on any one thing. If our goal is to feel more balanced and at peace in general, where can we get specific in order to begin our personal process of change?

I want to share with you a simple tool that may shed light on why you may be feeling stuck, by exposing where you may be spending a disproportionate amount of your vital energy. This tool is based on what Alfred Adler (one of the head honchos of modern psychology) called the “Life Tasks,” which are basically the main aspects of humanity that, when existing in harmony, create a sense of purpose and meaning in our lives. They include: Work, Love, Social Living, Self, and Spirit.

This may sound simple, or perhaps some of these tenets don’t quite resonate with you, but the point of sharing this idea in this discussion about change is less about the tasks themselves, but more about the balance of things that we value and that cultivate a deep sense of meaning in us. One task is not more important than the others: only when each portion of the wheel is balanced, can it turn smoothly. When we prioritize our life tasks equally, we reap the benefits of feeling in harmony with ourselves.

The way you use this tool is by first acknowledging that you have a finite number of resources. You simply cannot give 110% to all tasks. Conversely, it does not tend to serve us when we use less than we are capable of, as these are the pillars of our sense of purpose, after all.

Next, ask yourself how much vital energy you put into each task. Vital energy is defined by you and will be different for each person (e.g. a religious person may want to pray many times a day to satisfy the spiritual life task, but an atheist may feel that going for a walk in the forest satisfies a spiritual thirst). Now to put pen to paper: take away or add a portion to each individual task in accordance with how much or how little energy you put into each section. For example, if I spend most of my time/energy on work, neglect time for social life and love, and give myself an adequate amount of time for self-care and what I define as spiritual activities, I would add a big chunk onto work, carve out a chunk on both social life and love, and keep the boundary of the circle in tact for self and spirit. Using a pie analogy, this would create a big piece of pie for work... and a very small piece of pie for my social life and love life.

Go ahead and try this without worrying too much about the exact amount of anything. What do you see? What does your “circle” reflect? Where do you spend most of your time and energy? What areas are left neglected? Where are you satisfied in your life? It is natural that this shape cannot roll smoothly, so if your life task wheel is not balanced, it makes a lot of sense why you may be feeling stuck, distraught or exhausted.

This tool is meant to show you visually that it becomes extremely difficult for life to roll smoothly when the core life tasks are out of balance. It is not meant to scare you or scorn you for not having a life partner, the dream job or whatever other societal norms that pressure us all. It simply indicates where in your life could use a little more of your caring attention. Without self-judgment, but with self-compassion, this tool can help you to see that making the changes you want to see in your life can sometimes start with a redirection of your vital energy. Having one area overflowing and the other left nearly empty would make anyone struggle to feel balanced and at peace.

I encourage you to contemplate your wheel and ask yourself how you may take from what is overflowing and channel it into neglected areas in small ways. Courageous small shifts of your attention and energy can help guide you on the path toward the change you want to see in your life.

by Naomi Adams

Graduate Intern

The Value of Courage

Before I started my journey into counseling and self-discovery, I believed that courage was a word that was reserved for almighty heroes- picture brave men in armor going out to war. Perhaps I read too many fairy tales or saw too many stereotypical movies, but the word courage seemed like something much bigger than something I could relate to in my every day life. Turns out, I was very wrong. Now, I want to share with you what I learned about courage and how this can help you toward your personal goals of change and growth.

Courage lives in every day actions. While facing your biggest fears requires courage, so does choosing to get up in the morning at times. A simple way I like to define courage is this: taking risks beyond your comfort zone, in the direction you wish to be facing. The word “beyond” does not mean throwing yourself in the deep end, or reaching your ultimate goal of the “perfect you.” It can be far more subtle than that; and in fact, I would argue that small daily acts of courage will lead you to toward your goal more fully and fruitfully than taking the express train out of your comfort zone and arriving somewhere highly unfamiliar. For example, lets say you want to become more social, specifically, to make more friends. The picture perfect of courage in this instance might be to go to a party full of people you don’t know, and be completely cool, charming, captivating, delightful, fabulous…(you see where I am going here?). This notion of courage, the kind that requires extreme discomfort/fear and for you to be someone that you are not, not only invalidates your strengths, but also sets you up to fail and feel discouraged to try again.

The kind of courage I want to shine a light on in this excerpt is the kind that usually goes unnoticed to those around you, and oftentimes, to yourself. It’s the kind that you only hear when you listen, and that grows when nurtured. This kind of courage exists just for you, and is custom made for your own personal goals. How can you capitalize on this valuable resource? Here is a general outline to help you access and build upon your courage and in turn reach your goals:

1)                   Build awareness  – Become aware of what courage looks and feels like to you. Being clear on what exactly courage is helps you to see and seize opportunities to engage it. We all encounter challenges every day that require our courage (interacting with others, asking questions, offering help, expressing feelings…anything that makes you feel a tinge of vulnerability). What does courage mean to you? What does it look like in relation to your personal goals? Turn inward and look for that that sense of potential to do or think something that may help you become or achieve something you want to. Ask yourself what risk you could take that would be just one step outside of your comfort zone. 

*Reminder: Often times, society’s portrayal of courage invalidates subtle, daily-life courage (the gold we are talking about!), so it helpful to continually remind yourself that courage is about what feels courageous to you, not what it may look like for anyone else.

2)                   Practice – Use your newfound awareness consciously. When you find that balance point between risk and reward, try it, get creative, and trust that you can do it. If it does not work out, fear not- you also have the courage to make mistakes. It takes far more courage to try something, fall short, and try again, than it does to get it right on the first go. Trust that you can get back up on the horse- you can, and you can bring a deepened sense of courage and resiliency with you.

3)                   Give yourself credit – people often forget this last step, and yet it may be the most important steps of all! Its important to give yourself credit for the courage you manifest every day. By validating your skills, it helps to build your confidence- that sense of “I CAN.” It is that sense that is true courage, not an idealistic “perfect you”.

The purpose of offering this general outline was to encourage you. To encourage is not to pressure, demand or criticize. It involves listening to your needs and goals, and nurturing them with compassion. Encourage yourself and encourage others, as it is the small acts of courage that occur every day which help us create the change we want to see in our lives.

And when it doubt, have the courage to be imperfect J  

submitted by Naomi Adams, Graduate Student Intern

Mindfulness Within the Workplace -- Week 1

As the dreamy luster of summer slowly fades, I am finding myself faced with the harsh reality of September; time to get back to work. As an employee of a school district in greater Vancouver, this time of transition is always difficult, as I am forced back into the reality of the daily grind. No more sleeping until noon, no more lounging with my beloved cat all afternoon; essentially, no more fun. As these negative thoughts floated through my mind, I began to contemplate ways in which I could extend this dreamy luster of summer into the cold, bare, childless hallways of the secondary school in which I stand. How do I remain stress-free during the summer? Living within the moment; not looking too far ahead, not worrying about what will happen tomorrow. So why not use this approach to life at work? Yes, there are deadlines, projects, and overbearing coworkers to consider, but why not take a mindful approach to these everyday incidents? There are benefits to living within the moment, aka practicing mindfulness, at work including decreased stress, increased objectivity, and the ability to “turn off” at the end of the day (Hulsheger, Alberts, Feinholdt, Lang, 2013). Sounds great; but what needs to happen in order for us to actively practice mindfulness on a daily basis? First of all, we need to understand exactly what mindfulness is.

The word “mindfulness” may bring to mind to yogi, meditating in a field surrounded by lotus flowers and happy woodland creatures. How, you may ask, is this at all feasible within the average workplace? Let’s start by tweaking this vision of mindfulness.  Hulsheger et al define mindfulness as, “a state of consciousness in which individuals attend to ongoing events and experiences in a receptive and non-judgemental way” (2013). Basically, mindfulness is paying attention to what is happening in this moment, in a non-judgemental and accepting way. When we experience stress at work, or in any aspect of our lives, it is often not due to the event itself, but to our own thoughts around the event as negative and beyond our control. Yes, working late on a Friday night is never fun, nor is waking up at 6am and sitting in traffic for 2 hours, but we can work to reduce the negativity surrounding these events by accepting them within the moment, and refraining from attaching meaning to them. These are my two goals for the week, and my first steps towards mindfulness within the workplace: 1) reduce my own negative thoughts around every day occurrences at work (including that teenager who always seems to have a colourful response to my questions), and 2) avoid attaching meaning to stressful events (yes I’m stuck in traffic, but it does not mean that I will be late for work, lose my job, home, partner, and *gasp* cat).  I challenge each of you to adopt these as well, and join me in a quest to bring a dreamy luster into your own workplace through the practice of mindfulness. Check back next week to see how I’ve done, and for two more weekly goals to follow!

submitted by Annelie Nilsson, Graduate Student Intern

References:

Hulsheger, U.R., Alberts, H.J.E.M., Feinholdt, A., Lang, L.W.B. (2013). Benefits of Mindfulness at Work: The Role of Mindfulness in Emotion Regulation, Emotional Exhaustion, and Job Satisfaction. Journal of Applied Psychology, 98(2). pp. 310-325.

Life Lessons From My Dog

In the last number of months, I’ve noticed myself running through my life, feeling busier and often more frantic than I ever have before. There have been many days lately that, as I’m working away on my computer or racing around getting ready for a long day of meetings, or classes, I have found myself longingly looking at my dog, and noticing how relaxed and perfectly content she looks. It’ll stop me dead in my tracks as I look at her with envy, lying on her bed and sleeping restfully. Because my flurry of activity will have abruptly stopped for me to look at her, she’ll wake up, gaze up at me lovingly to see what it is I want, and when I say nothing, she’ll put her head back down and gently close her eyes again. I will be left standing there, noticing how wonderful her life seems. I will shake my head and acknowledge to myself that it must be time for a vacation. And on I will run, through the day.

But these brief encounters with my dog have been happening more and more frequently lately and it’s got me thinking. What is it about her that is jarring me out of my flurry of mental activity for those brief moments? And what in the world do I have to be envious of in my dog? Here’s what I’ve come up with…

1) My dog absolutely loves her life and she expresses her love for it with abandon. I guess I have to admit that I have reached that certain point with obligations, responsibilities, and work, where my love for my life has begun to erode. And I can’t seem to walk past my dog anymore without noticing the stark contrast between my dog’s enthusiasm for life and my lack of it.

2) My dog loves her people, and everyone is her people. She is so happy to see each and every human being who walks through our front door and welcomes them like they are just the person she was hoping would come over. And she is delightedly engaged with anyone who will talk to her or pet her. You know, when I am busy, like I am right now, the last thing I want are people coming through my front door or phoning to shoot the breeze. Not nice.

3) My dog always gets her needs met. When she is tired, she just lays down and gets herself a little nap. And when she’s done, she wakes up and has a big old stretch that you just know feels good. When she’s thirsty, she finds water wherever she can get it (and I mean, wherever she can get it) and quenches her thirst until it’s gone. Sleep, stretching, sustenance…ah, these things seem so far away when I am over-the-top busy.

4) My dog doesn’t just enjoy going for walks, she lives for going for walks. The leisure, the exercise, the fresh air, the socializing with other dogs, the romping, the exploration of the same old ‘hood like she’s never seen it before, the claiming of territory (aka peeing on every tree and post) - these things give her meaning in life. I sometimes find myself questioning, why am I doing all this again? Where did the joy go?

I guess I have to admit that I am too busy. There. I’ve done it. I want what my dog has; a love for life, a desire to connect with people, the ability to get my needs met, and a joyful sense of purpose in life. And now that I’ve said this, I can make it happen. I am going to pluck out of my schedule what doesn’t need to be there, I am going to delegate a whole lot more, I am going to give my time to my friends and family (not to Youtube!), I am going to do again those things that make my spirit sing and give meaning to my life like gardening, running, reading novels. Thanks, Tilly, you’re a good dog!


Written by Devony Baugh
Graduate Intern at The Shanti Counselling Centre

Four-Step Priority Plan for Parents

Recently, someone sent me one of those annoying group emails, a “Four-Step Priority Plan for Mothers.” Having a couple kids myself, and often feeling like a chicken with my head cut off, I was somewhat intrigued. That is, until I saw who wrote it -- Dr. Phil. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes find him pat, insensitive, and/or completely predictable. I reluctantly perused the advice in the email, and much to my surprise, I really found the article to be helpful. If you are a parent (this stuff doesn’t just apply to moms) maybe you’ll find it interesting too. Here is his advice, modified a bit to accommodate all parents:

Four-Step Priority Plan for Parents

1. Get over the guilt

- Don’t feel guilty for taking time for yourself. It’s not selfish to make yourself a priority.
- Redefine what it means to be a “good mother,” or a “good father,” or a “good aunt, uncle,
caretaker, step-parent, guardian, foster-parent...” Instead of using society’s definition, create
your own measure of success as a parent/step-parent/guardian.
- A good parent/step-parent/guardian is not one who only sacrifices; a good parent/step-
parent/guardian is also able to give of herself or himself. If you don’t have passion and
happiness in your own life, you can’t give it to your children.
- Give yourself permission to be more than half of a couple, more than “just” a mom or dad
or...

2. Make yourself a priority.

- Don’t confuse the quality and quantity of your time. They simply aren’t the same things.
Focus on the impact that your time does have, and give yourself the same attention you’d give
someone else you love.
- Don’t do everything for your children. They are able to do some tasks on their own. Take the
time to teach them how to do things for themselves.
- Learn the art of saying no, the ability to delegate and the capacity to accept help without
feeling guilty.

3. Discover your passions.

- Find something that you love to do. What gives you a sense of pride, accomplishment or
enjoyment?
- Think back to when you last felt this sort of passion. Now, ask yourself: “What would it take
to put that feeling back into my life? What can I do to recreate that feeling now?”
- When you’ve found your passion, make time for it in your regular schedule. Don’t allow
yourself to treat this “me time” as an option. It should be as important as anything else.


4. Gain the support of your family.

- This isn’t always easy, but it can be done. Let your family know how and why you need to do
things for yourself - so you can be a better parent/step-parent/guardian and ultimately, a
better person.
- Compromise with your family. Help them to understand that while things may change, you
won’t be abandoning them.



Written by Devony Baugh
Graduate Intern at The Shanti Counselling Centre

Good Luck? Bad Luck?

There is a Chinese story of a farmer who used an old horse to till his fields. One day, the horse escaped into the hills and when the farmer's neighbors sympathized with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?" A week later, the horse returned with a herd of horses from the hills and this time the neighbors congratulated the farmer on his good luck. His reply was, "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?"

Then, when the farmer's son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone thought this was very bad luck. Not the farmer, whose only reaction was, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?"

Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. When they saw the farmer's son with his broken leg, they let him off. Now was that good luck or bad luck?

Who knows?
The truth is that that are many situations in our lives that we can never really know the “truth.” How are we to know that we may have missed getting into a car accident because we hit every red light on the way to work… or that the person who broke our heart taught us exactly what we will need to know to be enormously happy with our next love? In those moments when life seems to be throwing its worst at us, sometimes it is less about truth and more about choice. We always can choose the truth we want to believe. So next time it seems like you are on a run of bad luck maybe ask yourself – I wonder what good may come out of this? Down the road the things you would call bad luck today, could become the very same things you are grateful for.

By Constance Hummel
Graduate Intern at The Shanti Counselling Centre

Self-Acceptance, the Radical (New Year's) Resolution

January is often the time of year when people make decisions to change the things that they don't like about themselves. It tends to come in the form of a New Year's resolution. We probably don't need to look very hard or very long to notice the things we don't like about ourselves or our lives. For some of us, in an instant we could say about ourselves, "I'm too fat, I look old, I don't exercise enough, I hate my nose, I wish my hair were fuller, god, my gut hangs out, I hate my clothes..." For some of us the list of things we are discontent about ourselves could go on and on and on. And very often, it's in January that we ritualistically make the resolution to change those things we hate the most. Sometimes the resolution can prompt real, profound, life-long, positive change in people and that is wonderful. Sometimes, however, the resolution is a mere temporary bandaid to try to fix something about ourselves that can be resolved only with a brand new inner view of ourselves.
This is my radical new idea. Let's stop for a moment and examine what is so damaging about all those things we hate the most about ourselves. For me, it would be my thighs - fat and jiggly, and so embarrassing to expose in a bathing suit. I could resolve to loose 50 pounds, start a weight loss program, join the gym and attack my hateful thighs. I could do that, but deep down, I wonder if there's any external action I could realistically take to truly like my thighs. If I'm being honest I can see myself becoming a size 6 and still hating my thighs. I want to do something completely different this year. I want to shift my discontent on it's head, and find the things that are actually wonderful about my thighs. I want to not only stop hating my thighs, but actually like them, appreciate them, accept them. I want to become re-acquainted with my thighs and make them my friend (and I'm not trying to be silly here). I truly want to be at peace with myself, with every bit of me.
This is what I propose for myself and everyone who wants to give up the hate. Imagine what it would feel like to stop hating parts of yourself. Really think about how freeing that would feel. Slowly and gently examine one thing that you hate with a non-critical eye and see the wonder in it; see what is marvelously acceptable about this hateful part of you. My thighs, for example, hold my body upright when I stand. They are strong and profoundly helpful. They work hard for me. I would mourn the loss of them if I didn't have them or if they couldn't work for some reason. When I start thinking along these lines, I can actually be grateful for them, appreciative of them and accept them because I see how important they are to me and how much they benefit my life.
It will not feel natural to make such a shift for those of us who have hated a part of ourselves for years. And advertisers will be sure to remind us regularly that we really should not be content with the way things are. But I encourage you and me both, to hold on to the acceptance, the appreciation for ourselves the way we are. Contrary to their message, I'm here to boldly say, you are sufficient and you are innately valuable... and so is your nose, your body, your gut, my thighs...

The You-are-Acceptable Count Down

1. Ask yourself, "Am I willing to consider giving up hating my____(self, weight, hair, nose, thighs)?"
2. If you are, find some time to quietly spend with yourself to think or journal about the following.
3. Gently, not scornfully, notice what you've been hating about yourself. Name it. Name as many parts of yourself that you've been hating as you feel you can handle. You can always go back to the beginning and start with a different part when you're ready.
4. Imagine this hate not existing for this part of you any longer. What would that be like?
5. Now gently and curiously examine what is wonderful, helpful, necessary, funny, delightful, and positive about this part. If the old hateful feelings and language come creeping in, just remind them, they've already had plenty of air time in your life, they can go away now because now it's time to hear the positives.
6. Relish these positives and let them sink in. Notice how true it is that these parts of you really do have a wonderful side.
7. Notice what you're feeling. Is it gratitude? appreciation? relief? joy? value? Marvel at these feelings because they may be quite foreign in regard to this part of you.
8. Decide on an approach you'll take when the old, negative, hateful feelings or thoughts want to creep back in. What will you say to yourself when you hear or see an ad that is telling you that you should not feel so content? Perhaps something like, "You (thought or feeling) may want me to feel awful about this part of me, but actually, I've notice how wonderful, how helpful, how needed that part of me is. And you can stop reminding me now of how I used to hate it."
9. Ground yourself regularly with mindfulness, meditation, journalling, prayer, or all of the above to soak yourself again in the acceptability of your whole self.
10. Believe and say to yourself that you are innately valuable, because it is true.


by Devonay Baugh
Graduate Intern at The Shanti Counelling Centre