Four-Step Priority Plan for Parents

Recently, someone sent me one of those annoying group emails, a “Four-Step Priority Plan for Mothers.” Having a couple kids myself, and often feeling like a chicken with my head cut off, I was somewhat intrigued. That is, until I saw who wrote it -- Dr. Phil. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes find him pat, insensitive, and/or completely predictable. I reluctantly perused the advice in the email, and much to my surprise, I really found the article to be helpful. If you are a parent (this stuff doesn’t just apply to moms) maybe you’ll find it interesting too. Here is his advice, modified a bit to accommodate all parents:

Four-Step Priority Plan for Parents

1. Get over the guilt

- Don’t feel guilty for taking time for yourself. It’s not selfish to make yourself a priority.
- Redefine what it means to be a “good mother,” or a “good father,” or a “good aunt, uncle,
caretaker, step-parent, guardian, foster-parent...” Instead of using society’s definition, create
your own measure of success as a parent/step-parent/guardian.
- A good parent/step-parent/guardian is not one who only sacrifices; a good parent/step-
parent/guardian is also able to give of herself or himself. If you don’t have passion and
happiness in your own life, you can’t give it to your children.
- Give yourself permission to be more than half of a couple, more than “just” a mom or dad
or...

2. Make yourself a priority.

- Don’t confuse the quality and quantity of your time. They simply aren’t the same things.
Focus on the impact that your time does have, and give yourself the same attention you’d give
someone else you love.
- Don’t do everything for your children. They are able to do some tasks on their own. Take the
time to teach them how to do things for themselves.
- Learn the art of saying no, the ability to delegate and the capacity to accept help without
feeling guilty.

3. Discover your passions.

- Find something that you love to do. What gives you a sense of pride, accomplishment or
enjoyment?
- Think back to when you last felt this sort of passion. Now, ask yourself: “What would it take
to put that feeling back into my life? What can I do to recreate that feeling now?”
- When you’ve found your passion, make time for it in your regular schedule. Don’t allow
yourself to treat this “me time” as an option. It should be as important as anything else.


4. Gain the support of your family.

- This isn’t always easy, but it can be done. Let your family know how and why you need to do
things for yourself - so you can be a better parent/step-parent/guardian and ultimately, a
better person.
- Compromise with your family. Help them to understand that while things may change, you
won’t be abandoning them.



Written by Devony Baugh
Graduate Intern at The Shanti Counselling Centre

Good Luck? Bad Luck?

There is a Chinese story of a farmer who used an old horse to till his fields. One day, the horse escaped into the hills and when the farmer's neighbors sympathized with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?" A week later, the horse returned with a herd of horses from the hills and this time the neighbors congratulated the farmer on his good luck. His reply was, "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?"

Then, when the farmer's son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone thought this was very bad luck. Not the farmer, whose only reaction was, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?"

Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. When they saw the farmer's son with his broken leg, they let him off. Now was that good luck or bad luck?

Who knows?
The truth is that that are many situations in our lives that we can never really know the “truth.” How are we to know that we may have missed getting into a car accident because we hit every red light on the way to work… or that the person who broke our heart taught us exactly what we will need to know to be enormously happy with our next love? In those moments when life seems to be throwing its worst at us, sometimes it is less about truth and more about choice. We always can choose the truth we want to believe. So next time it seems like you are on a run of bad luck maybe ask yourself – I wonder what good may come out of this? Down the road the things you would call bad luck today, could become the very same things you are grateful for.

By Constance Hummel
Graduate Intern at The Shanti Counselling Centre

Self-Acceptance, the Radical (New Year's) Resolution

January is often the time of year when people make decisions to change the things that they don't like about themselves. It tends to come in the form of a New Year's resolution. We probably don't need to look very hard or very long to notice the things we don't like about ourselves or our lives. For some of us, in an instant we could say about ourselves, "I'm too fat, I look old, I don't exercise enough, I hate my nose, I wish my hair were fuller, god, my gut hangs out, I hate my clothes..." For some of us the list of things we are discontent about ourselves could go on and on and on. And very often, it's in January that we ritualistically make the resolution to change those things we hate the most. Sometimes the resolution can prompt real, profound, life-long, positive change in people and that is wonderful. Sometimes, however, the resolution is a mere temporary bandaid to try to fix something about ourselves that can be resolved only with a brand new inner view of ourselves.
This is my radical new idea. Let's stop for a moment and examine what is so damaging about all those things we hate the most about ourselves. For me, it would be my thighs - fat and jiggly, and so embarrassing to expose in a bathing suit. I could resolve to loose 50 pounds, start a weight loss program, join the gym and attack my hateful thighs. I could do that, but deep down, I wonder if there's any external action I could realistically take to truly like my thighs. If I'm being honest I can see myself becoming a size 6 and still hating my thighs. I want to do something completely different this year. I want to shift my discontent on it's head, and find the things that are actually wonderful about my thighs. I want to not only stop hating my thighs, but actually like them, appreciate them, accept them. I want to become re-acquainted with my thighs and make them my friend (and I'm not trying to be silly here). I truly want to be at peace with myself, with every bit of me.
This is what I propose for myself and everyone who wants to give up the hate. Imagine what it would feel like to stop hating parts of yourself. Really think about how freeing that would feel. Slowly and gently examine one thing that you hate with a non-critical eye and see the wonder in it; see what is marvelously acceptable about this hateful part of you. My thighs, for example, hold my body upright when I stand. They are strong and profoundly helpful. They work hard for me. I would mourn the loss of them if I didn't have them or if they couldn't work for some reason. When I start thinking along these lines, I can actually be grateful for them, appreciative of them and accept them because I see how important they are to me and how much they benefit my life.
It will not feel natural to make such a shift for those of us who have hated a part of ourselves for years. And advertisers will be sure to remind us regularly that we really should not be content with the way things are. But I encourage you and me both, to hold on to the acceptance, the appreciation for ourselves the way we are. Contrary to their message, I'm here to boldly say, you are sufficient and you are innately valuable... and so is your nose, your body, your gut, my thighs...

The You-are-Acceptable Count Down

1. Ask yourself, "Am I willing to consider giving up hating my____(self, weight, hair, nose, thighs)?"
2. If you are, find some time to quietly spend with yourself to think or journal about the following.
3. Gently, not scornfully, notice what you've been hating about yourself. Name it. Name as many parts of yourself that you've been hating as you feel you can handle. You can always go back to the beginning and start with a different part when you're ready.
4. Imagine this hate not existing for this part of you any longer. What would that be like?
5. Now gently and curiously examine what is wonderful, helpful, necessary, funny, delightful, and positive about this part. If the old hateful feelings and language come creeping in, just remind them, they've already had plenty of air time in your life, they can go away now because now it's time to hear the positives.
6. Relish these positives and let them sink in. Notice how true it is that these parts of you really do have a wonderful side.
7. Notice what you're feeling. Is it gratitude? appreciation? relief? joy? value? Marvel at these feelings because they may be quite foreign in regard to this part of you.
8. Decide on an approach you'll take when the old, negative, hateful feelings or thoughts want to creep back in. What will you say to yourself when you hear or see an ad that is telling you that you should not feel so content? Perhaps something like, "You (thought or feeling) may want me to feel awful about this part of me, but actually, I've notice how wonderful, how helpful, how needed that part of me is. And you can stop reminding me now of how I used to hate it."
9. Ground yourself regularly with mindfulness, meditation, journalling, prayer, or all of the above to soak yourself again in the acceptability of your whole self.
10. Believe and say to yourself that you are innately valuable, because it is true.


by Devonay Baugh
Graduate Intern at The Shanti Counelling Centre

How is Your Stress Inventory?

We all know that too much stress is a bad thing. It adversely impacts our relationships, our wake-sleep cycle, our eating patterns, our immune systems, our memory, it reduces our tolerance for frustration, increases our blood pressure and cortisol levels, decreases our sex drive… and on and on.

I don’t know about you, but I have found there have been times in my life when my stress level has snuck up on me, taking me completely by surprise. Before I knew it, I would be having a full-blown melt down over the lovely person driving 10 km below the speed limit, in front of me. In these moments of derailment, I have been genuinely shocked at just how stressed out I was, and yet didn’t know it. “How in the world did I get here?,” I would wonder. What is the big deal here?

I’d take stock of my life and notice, oh yeah, I have been working kind of hard lately, and, look at my hands, there’s that rash I get only when I’m exhausted and stressed out. My point is, if I had only been paying attention a lot earlier, I would have noticed the signs telling me to slow down, that I’ve taken on too much, that I’m getting stressed out.

My question for you is: what are your signs of stress? How does your body tell you that you’ve tipped the balance between healthy and adverse stress levels? Do you develop cold sores? Do you wake up before your alarm? Do you wake in the middle of the night? Are you skipping your meditation, your yoga, your exercise routines? Do your kids, partner, co-workers, irritate you a little more than usual? Do you have a little rash forming on your hands? Have you stopped eating? Have you started eating way more than you need? Is your stomach cramping up more and more? Does everyone around you seem like they are walking or driving too slowly?

Notice. Look at your life gently. How are you, really? If you’re great, well done! If you’re raging through you’re life, carefully notice it now. You can be in the Driver’s Seat re: what can be done about it. As for me, I’m paying attention to that little rash on my hand.


by Devony Baugh
Graduate Intern at The Shanti Counselling Centre

Gratitude and Mindfulness

By Karen Okun, Certified Aromatherapy Massage Pracitioner
Associate of The Shanti Counselling Centre

Most of us are familiar with gratitude on some level. Gratitude can be an experience, a feeling, a state of mind. No matter how you experience gratitude or how you show it, there is always room to further your own understanding and growth of this amazing human quality. Gratitude comes in layers and can gain depth with examination.

Sometimes, we experience gratitude for something because we have learned, or have been conditioned, to do so. For example, as children we are often taught to thank others who pass the salt, or give up their seats, or bring us gifts. This kind of gratefulness is often habitual. In fact, some people call it a ‘good habit’ to say thank you. While this may be true, a habit is still an unconscious act and therefore an act which begs for depth of understanding. There will always be an opportunity in one’s life to examine this habit; to take this gratitude and make it your own; to truly feel the thankfulness as you express it. Look inside and see what you were taught; look further and see what you have taken on as your own and now might ‘teach’ or model to others. Choose, now, to make this belief about being thankful for these little things in life, your own. Stop repeating them out of habit. In this way, when you say thank you, it will be yours and you will know that you mean it. More importantly, the receiver of your gratitude will feel that meaning.

Sometimes we experience gratitude more deeply, as an emotion that overcomes us when someone truly sees us and acknowledges who we are in ways that are very meaningful. For example when we have worked hard all day to create an experience of exquisite quality for another human being and someone approaches us and notices our hard work, our thoughtfulness, our creativity and/or our devotion we are likely to be moved, for we have just been ‘seen’ acting on our truest and deepest values. In this moment our gratitude is deep, perhaps even without words, or at least without words that we feel express the depth of emotion we are experiencing. We are thankful that who we believe ourselves to be, actually shines through. In this moment, too, you have an opportunity to deepen your experience of gratitude. Watch the temptation to brush off the compliment or ‘noticing’ by another. Watch the perceived conflict between humility and being noticed. See if you can see yourself as completely, in that moment, as this wonderful being has done. See if you can love yourself for these gifts that you have and easily share with others. And finally, recall these moments and gifts to yourself when you are tempted in your day to chastise yourself for something you perceive to have done wrong. Deepen this gratitude by expressing it towards yourself as much as towards another.

There are times, too, when we struggle to see where gratitude fits in at all. We have an intellectual understanding that there is ‘always something to be grateful about’, and yet we can watch ourselves get trapped in ‘the place of lack’. Living from a place of lack creates a direct challenge for the existence of gratitude, for how can we be grateful when we are spending most of our time noticing what we don’t have. This is where gratitude becomes a state of mind, or perhaps I should say, a way of being. We have been ‘being’ one way for a long time and now we have the opportunity to ‘be’ another. The choice is always there for us, we need only become aware.

In these instances, gratitude is often being usurped by ‘taking things for granted’. In order to re-create depth of gratitude in these situations we must begin by expressing thanks for the things we have become most unconscious of. We must ‘move’ our minds at a cellular level; teach our neurons and cells to see once again what they have put out of sight for some time. Begin simply: when you are performing a rather unpleasing task, be grateful that the part of your body performing the task is able – for example, when you’ve swept the same spot on the floor for the eighth time in a day, be thankful that your arms and legs are able. Or when you’ve ‘corrected’ what you find to be the irritating habit of someone you love after repeated entreaties to get them on board with you, be thankful that you’re able to perform it with such alacrity. These are the sneaky, sneaky places that we must begin.

As you practice, your awareness will grow and you will begin to see the magnitude of things that you can once again be grateful for in your day. It may remain challenging at first to actually ‘feel’ the gratitude. Remember, the ways of the mind are much stronger than we might prefer at times and require a persistent, patient and compassionate approach. If we judge, the mind gets stronger because the presence of a judge automatically signifies the presence of a defendant. The presence of your witness on the other hand will allow your mind to remain open and you can simply observe.

The more you observe the more gratitude will re-enter your life. And if you really want to stretch the depths of your gratitude look into the eyes of one whom you perceive to be your ‘enemy’ and find what they have to offer you. It may be the most difficult place to find gratitude, and yet it may be the most rewarding. This is a very difficult and long term process. Be gentle and open with yourself along the way. Limit your expectations around what you’ll ‘get’ or see. Discuss this process with someone you trust.


-There is never a need to look for more, there is always enough for you.
- Want what you already have and you’ll have exactly what you want.

Karen Okun is an Associate of The Shanti Counselling Centre. She uses the practice of Bodywork / Massage to help integrate mind-body healing. To book an appointment, call 604.773.3100.

The SMART Principle for Reaching Your Goals or Resolutions

Each New Year, many people often set "resolutions" for themselves to grow and/or feel more fulfilled in some way -- a resolution to be healthier; a resolution to get a better job; a resolution to have a better relationship with one's partner... and the list can go on and on. The difficulty with resolutions is that they are often vague and do not incorporate the process through which they will be achieved. The lack of planning on how to initiate and monitor a resolution can often set people up for failure.

As counsellors, part of our job is to work with clients to help them achieve their goals, objectives, and/or resolutions. One of the acronyms used to help clients identify a process to achieve their goals is the "SMART" principle. Let's apply this principle using the example of "I want to be healthier this year."

Specific -- It's impossible to achieve a goal that is vague. Goals and resolutions must be specific. If you want to be healthier, what does that look like? Do you want to eat better foods? Do you want to exercise? Do you want to engage in relaxation practices, such as meditation? Get specific about what your resolution is -- I want to be able to lift 20lbs on the bench press, I want my waist to be 2 inches smaller, I want to attend a yoga class at least 3 times/month.

Measurable -- How will you know when you have achieved, or you are in the process of achieving, your resolution or goal? Goals must be measurable. With respect to health, how will you know when you are healthier? Will your body feel lighter or stronger? Will you be able to walk or run a further distance? Will you be able to touch your toes? Highlight the ways in which you can specifically measure the success of your goals.

Attainable -- Is the goal you are attempting to implement even attainable? If you want to lose 20lbs in one week, that is certainly not attainable. However, losing 1 - 2lbs in a week is far more manageable. Keeping your goals and resolutions within your reach will set you up for success.

Realistic -- Is your goal or resolution realistic? Will your life circumstances allow you to implement your strategies in the way that you would like? For example, if you are wanting to implement 1 hour of exercise into your daily life, will your work, family, and social life allow you to do so? If not, get realistic with yourself and create a goal that is do-able... maybe 1 hour 3 times/week is more realistic.

Timely -- Set a time-frame to work with. Highlight your short-term focus and your long-term focus, with an emphasis on the short-term. This will help you to see the progress of your specific, measurable, attainable, and realistic aspirations.

An important element to remember when creating goals and resolutions is that the journey is more important than the destination. When an individual puts too much focus on the destination, it can sometimes become overwhelming and contribute to a failure in meeting one's desired goals. Enjoy the process and you'll be more likely to succeed!

Danielle Duplassie is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and the Founder & Director of The Shanti Counselling Centre in Burnaby, BC.

10 Tips on Dealing With Depression and Anxiety During the Holidays

How many people hate to hear the songs about love and family and joy as you walk through the mall? What about all the questions about ‘what will you do for the holidays?’ Our reactions can be subtle and subconscious resulting in a low level of irritation or avoidance; whereas our response to the holidays might be more obvious and conscious where you experience dread, sadness, or anxiety.

It’s important to recognize that the holidays are not a joyful time for many. Some of us have dysfunctional families where a holiday gathering can mean arguments, insults, isolation, substance abuse, and even physical violence. If your gathering place over the holidays has not traditionally been warm and welcoming, who wouldn’t feel a little anxious? There are also thousands of people who don’t have places to gather or people whom they are close to to gather with. With the holiday advertising emphasizing peace, love, and connection, loneliness is the result of the feeling of being ‘left out’ or ‘different from everyone else’. Sadly, it’s a misunderstanding that the mind can greatly exaggerate cause ‘everyone else’ is likely having their own struggles too!

What can we do with this loneliness that can morph into depression or this anxiety that depletes energy and has us running toward that extra drink?

Unfortunately there really is no quick fix for depression or anxiety whether it is experienced during the holidays or throughout the year. Clearing our emotional patterns requires effort, willingness, and commitment to yourself and your happiness. However, a few tips for the stress of the holiday season:

1. Remind yourself that the feelings of depression or anxiety can increase from exposure to media. Remind yourself that the holidays is not necessarily a time of bliss and joy for many people, you are not defective or at fault if you are not happy.

2. Focus on what you have to give; i.e. send out cards, phone people you care about, volunteer, make gifts

3. Reduce your time in malls, out in the stress of traffic, or in environments that are not emotionally or physically healthy for you.

4. Find and attend one or two key events that would be meaningful and enjoyable to you. i.e. a concert, a community dinner, a play

5. Create your own ritual or intention as to what the time of darkness and transformation into light means for you.

6. Consider including some healing practices into your life to more permanently clear the depression or anxiety. i.e. counselling, a breath-centered physical practice like yoga, tai chi, chi gong, acupuncture, massage, etc.

7. Exercise, drink lots of water and veer away from excess sugar and fat, alcohol, drugs and caffeine.

8. Spend time in nature as much as possible.

9. Practice taking deep full breaths and simply noticing your breath more often throughout the day.

10. Remember that this too, shall pass.


Alexandra Goldwell, MA, RCC

Alexandra is a body-centered holistic therapist at the Shanti Counselling Centre in Burnaby. Visit their website for a free consultation www.shanti-centre.com
Shanti Centre also holds free groups for Depression and Anxiety during the holiday season. Call 604-773-3100 to register.