Gratitude and Mindfulness

By Karen Okun, Certified Aromatherapy Massage Pracitioner
Associate of The Shanti Counselling Centre

Most of us are familiar with gratitude on some level. Gratitude can be an experience, a feeling, a state of mind. No matter how you experience gratitude or how you show it, there is always room to further your own understanding and growth of this amazing human quality. Gratitude comes in layers and can gain depth with examination.

Sometimes, we experience gratitude for something because we have learned, or have been conditioned, to do so. For example, as children we are often taught to thank others who pass the salt, or give up their seats, or bring us gifts. This kind of gratefulness is often habitual. In fact, some people call it a ‘good habit’ to say thank you. While this may be true, a habit is still an unconscious act and therefore an act which begs for depth of understanding. There will always be an opportunity in one’s life to examine this habit; to take this gratitude and make it your own; to truly feel the thankfulness as you express it. Look inside and see what you were taught; look further and see what you have taken on as your own and now might ‘teach’ or model to others. Choose, now, to make this belief about being thankful for these little things in life, your own. Stop repeating them out of habit. In this way, when you say thank you, it will be yours and you will know that you mean it. More importantly, the receiver of your gratitude will feel that meaning.

Sometimes we experience gratitude more deeply, as an emotion that overcomes us when someone truly sees us and acknowledges who we are in ways that are very meaningful. For example when we have worked hard all day to create an experience of exquisite quality for another human being and someone approaches us and notices our hard work, our thoughtfulness, our creativity and/or our devotion we are likely to be moved, for we have just been ‘seen’ acting on our truest and deepest values. In this moment our gratitude is deep, perhaps even without words, or at least without words that we feel express the depth of emotion we are experiencing. We are thankful that who we believe ourselves to be, actually shines through. In this moment, too, you have an opportunity to deepen your experience of gratitude. Watch the temptation to brush off the compliment or ‘noticing’ by another. Watch the perceived conflict between humility and being noticed. See if you can see yourself as completely, in that moment, as this wonderful being has done. See if you can love yourself for these gifts that you have and easily share with others. And finally, recall these moments and gifts to yourself when you are tempted in your day to chastise yourself for something you perceive to have done wrong. Deepen this gratitude by expressing it towards yourself as much as towards another.

There are times, too, when we struggle to see where gratitude fits in at all. We have an intellectual understanding that there is ‘always something to be grateful about’, and yet we can watch ourselves get trapped in ‘the place of lack’. Living from a place of lack creates a direct challenge for the existence of gratitude, for how can we be grateful when we are spending most of our time noticing what we don’t have. This is where gratitude becomes a state of mind, or perhaps I should say, a way of being. We have been ‘being’ one way for a long time and now we have the opportunity to ‘be’ another. The choice is always there for us, we need only become aware.

In these instances, gratitude is often being usurped by ‘taking things for granted’. In order to re-create depth of gratitude in these situations we must begin by expressing thanks for the things we have become most unconscious of. We must ‘move’ our minds at a cellular level; teach our neurons and cells to see once again what they have put out of sight for some time. Begin simply: when you are performing a rather unpleasing task, be grateful that the part of your body performing the task is able – for example, when you’ve swept the same spot on the floor for the eighth time in a day, be thankful that your arms and legs are able. Or when you’ve ‘corrected’ what you find to be the irritating habit of someone you love after repeated entreaties to get them on board with you, be thankful that you’re able to perform it with such alacrity. These are the sneaky, sneaky places that we must begin.

As you practice, your awareness will grow and you will begin to see the magnitude of things that you can once again be grateful for in your day. It may remain challenging at first to actually ‘feel’ the gratitude. Remember, the ways of the mind are much stronger than we might prefer at times and require a persistent, patient and compassionate approach. If we judge, the mind gets stronger because the presence of a judge automatically signifies the presence of a defendant. The presence of your witness on the other hand will allow your mind to remain open and you can simply observe.

The more you observe the more gratitude will re-enter your life. And if you really want to stretch the depths of your gratitude look into the eyes of one whom you perceive to be your ‘enemy’ and find what they have to offer you. It may be the most difficult place to find gratitude, and yet it may be the most rewarding. This is a very difficult and long term process. Be gentle and open with yourself along the way. Limit your expectations around what you’ll ‘get’ or see. Discuss this process with someone you trust.


-There is never a need to look for more, there is always enough for you.
- Want what you already have and you’ll have exactly what you want.

Karen Okun is an Associate of The Shanti Counselling Centre. She uses the practice of Bodywork / Massage to help integrate mind-body healing. To book an appointment, call 604.773.3100.

The SMART Principle for Reaching Your Goals or Resolutions

Each New Year, many people often set "resolutions" for themselves to grow and/or feel more fulfilled in some way -- a resolution to be healthier; a resolution to get a better job; a resolution to have a better relationship with one's partner... and the list can go on and on. The difficulty with resolutions is that they are often vague and do not incorporate the process through which they will be achieved. The lack of planning on how to initiate and monitor a resolution can often set people up for failure.

As counsellors, part of our job is to work with clients to help them achieve their goals, objectives, and/or resolutions. One of the acronyms used to help clients identify a process to achieve their goals is the "SMART" principle. Let's apply this principle using the example of "I want to be healthier this year."

Specific -- It's impossible to achieve a goal that is vague. Goals and resolutions must be specific. If you want to be healthier, what does that look like? Do you want to eat better foods? Do you want to exercise? Do you want to engage in relaxation practices, such as meditation? Get specific about what your resolution is -- I want to be able to lift 20lbs on the bench press, I want my waist to be 2 inches smaller, I want to attend a yoga class at least 3 times/month.

Measurable -- How will you know when you have achieved, or you are in the process of achieving, your resolution or goal? Goals must be measurable. With respect to health, how will you know when you are healthier? Will your body feel lighter or stronger? Will you be able to walk or run a further distance? Will you be able to touch your toes? Highlight the ways in which you can specifically measure the success of your goals.

Attainable -- Is the goal you are attempting to implement even attainable? If you want to lose 20lbs in one week, that is certainly not attainable. However, losing 1 - 2lbs in a week is far more manageable. Keeping your goals and resolutions within your reach will set you up for success.

Realistic -- Is your goal or resolution realistic? Will your life circumstances allow you to implement your strategies in the way that you would like? For example, if you are wanting to implement 1 hour of exercise into your daily life, will your work, family, and social life allow you to do so? If not, get realistic with yourself and create a goal that is do-able... maybe 1 hour 3 times/week is more realistic.

Timely -- Set a time-frame to work with. Highlight your short-term focus and your long-term focus, with an emphasis on the short-term. This will help you to see the progress of your specific, measurable, attainable, and realistic aspirations.

An important element to remember when creating goals and resolutions is that the journey is more important than the destination. When an individual puts too much focus on the destination, it can sometimes become overwhelming and contribute to a failure in meeting one's desired goals. Enjoy the process and you'll be more likely to succeed!

Danielle Duplassie is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and the Founder & Director of The Shanti Counselling Centre in Burnaby, BC.